Dont bring past grievances into it, either. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. Youve clearly already worked out some helpful things. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. At first eagerly, because I was curious. He is actively undermining your success and your ability to feel safe, loved, and healthy. Surely being comfortable would be one of the definitions of success??? My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. So, think about how much of this does or does not seem to fit. Agreed. If your boyfriend is receptive to feedback, wants to repair the relationship, and expresses a desire to respect your boundaries, a conversation may be a healthy way for you to find closure or express your hurt. If you choose to ignore these signs, then some day you will find that things have gone beyond the point of no return. Reactions based on internal, undisclosed standards isnt about keeping score, but it does have an effect, LW, and youve been feeling it: uncertainty, insecurity, and anxiety around their approval. I keep trying my best for him and every time I feel like he's ignoring me, I spam message him. For the rest of us, it reinforces the jerkbrains message. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. I feel like Ive learnt to spot the signs now, but I really didnt see them when I was less experienced. I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. Honestly the best thing for me was talking with a therapist on my own and learning boundaries (see my comments above). Im sorry, but in my experience, the only good answer to this sort of situation is to dump the guy. 14. This would be crappy behavior from a parent toward a child, even. But in my experience, the kind of mindset that prides itself on being reasonable and feels comfortable saying thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard to ANYTHING their loved one says. You really loved him for the way he was always kissing you on your face, holding your hand when crossing a busy street, or shopping in a supermarket. Weve never reached a good resolution about this, and it keeps coming up. While you sort out how you feel about continuing in the relationship, my suggested script for when your boyfriend starts telling you what to do or expressing his disappointment in you is I dont like it when you act like my Life Coach, please stop telling me what I should eat/do/how I should exercise, and/or From now on, I dont want you to tell me how to change or improve myself, at all. Be blunt and say the things that are on the tip of your tongue: No. Please think about this carefully. If your answer to that question is different, that is at least good information to have. I was somewhat interested, so it was great to have him show me proper form and give me pointerscon how to put together my workout plan. First, he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. I dont know your boyfriend or all of the details. The goalposts will keep moving. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. Being supportive is hard. You know when they got worse? She cares a lot. LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. Applauding your friends and remembering this one for future use. You are more important than he is. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined), and therapy has been going very well. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. Sometimes I hope that these people (whose letters and calls make me very sad for them sometimes) read the message they just sent, or listen to the sound of their own voice, and realize before the response even comes that its time to DTMFA. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. Something stuck out to me in your letter, you said your boyfriend thinks that if you do your healthy self improvement things then he wont have to deal with you having depression. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. *cough* Nah, it just made me more sneaky and creative, what were they going to do, strip search me? I wish our society did not have such a negative view of women who have low moods. He sounds like a couple dudes Ive known in that he likes to be a fixer, which is not inherently a horrible quality in a person. If you havent seen your friends in a while, call them/message them and schedule a hangout. You should always have an independent life that doesnt revolve around anyone else. He got that. I have to agree with this. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! Hooo yes. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). ), and he usually shuts up when I tell him I dont find his comments helpful if it was all the time, every day, over every basic thing like eating dinner.. that would be more emotionally exhausting than I could deal with, and Id like to think Id be weighing up leaving as an option, although its never easy. Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. I have been with my husband for 23 years, and he is chronically clinically depressed. You are the person who knows whats best for you. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. What kind of wording do you want me to use? Or because his life would be easier if you were happy? At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. Or something like that, anyway. Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. I like to have a logical reason for everything I do and feel, and I dont have a lot of other problem-solving methods. Is exercise great for depression? Oh LW, you are so strong to have come so far and I know the Captain and Awkward Army are all rooting for you whatever you decide. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Sometimes when Im feeling bad I take on some momentary discomfort as an investment in my future happiness. When I am at home, I just need to chill out. That said, Ive gotten him to doctors, fed him, and made sure he took his meds at his worst; Ive helped to monitor his moods and symptoms and brought changes up for his consideration when I notice changes. What did you just say to me? Things are a lot better, although sometimes I (or my other partner) have to remind him. Its that he doesnt care about Actual you. didnt care to be badgered about things and it needed to stop. Aargh, accidentally hit reply before done editing. Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. When I look back, I wonder, why did I ever even get in his car without making him tell me a destination? Another pertinent question: How does BF react to advice given by LW? "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! But then kept sending financial support to his (first) wife, who knew that he was alive and had another family. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. That is some high-level head games. Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. 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